The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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