I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
