btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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