Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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