My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
