Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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