we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
