dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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