the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
