I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
