you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
