im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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