i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
