I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
