i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
