dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
