honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I have tasted many bathrooms
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
