I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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