You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
