Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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