hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
