so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
