hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
