I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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