Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
