Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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