I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
