I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
