I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
