My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
