Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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