my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
