Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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