Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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