Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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