I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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