I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
