Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
