i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
