hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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