i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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