I'm gonna have a badass scar
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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