Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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