I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
