phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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