conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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