I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
