Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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