I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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