remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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