I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
