You made me cry and you don't even care
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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