My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize