Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
