I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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