Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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