I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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