I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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