I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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