Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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