Your mouth is God's brothel.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
