Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
