So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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