I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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